


What Makes You Happy?

by infinrtywar



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Carnival, Character Death, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Half a Year Ago, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Soft On the Run SteveNatSam Content, Steve Natasha and Sam are a Tight Knit Family, it's really bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:27:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22939423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinrtywar/pseuds/infinrtywar
Summary: Steve grieves after the loss of the love of his life.
Relationships: Maria Hill/Sam Wilson (implied), Natasha Romanov & Sam Wilson, Pepper Potts & Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark (minor), Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 89





	What Makes You Happy?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beezyland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beezyland/gifts).



> No happy ending here guys! The hurt was still fresh when I wrote this because I started it in May 2019, only about a week after I watched Endgame. Thank you my dearest friend Molly for beta-ing this for me way back in May I don't even know if you remember doing it.  
> For Beezy, thanks for reminding me to post this and waiting since August of last year (and for being my fave Romanogers writer).  
> Enjoy!

The last time it was this quiet, it had been the day after Thanos succeeded in turning half the population to dust. He remembers lying on his bed the same way he was currently. He remembers grieving and worrying and feeling numb. He remembers Natasha knocking on his door to check on him and he remembers her brushing her thumb over his knuckles under the covers and telling him that they would figure it out.

Since the Avengers compound was wrecked, the team had been living at the Starks’ home. Temporarily, of course, until the new compound was rebuilt. If Steve was going to be honest with himself, he felt the utmost guilt that Pepper, even after everything that had happened to her, was still putting on a brave front and attending to all their needs tirelessly. He assumed that this was her coping mechanism- burying her head into work and duties so that she wouldn’t have to sit alone and be reminded of the tragedy that her family had endured. She’s a good mother, one of the best, and he knows that she never lets her strong façade break in front of Morgan, because no five-year-old should have to watch their parent suffer. But sometimes, when he’s feeling all the pain again in the middle of the night and he leaves the guest room to the kitchen, he passes by what was once Tony and Pepper’s room and he swears he hears her sobbing into her pillow.

Steve stares up at the ceiling, his eyes blank. That’s all that he’s been doing for a while now. Occasionally he goes down to the patio and joins his friends. Then they drink in broad daylight, until they’re reduced to tears and all that’s in the air are the sobs that they’ve been holding back since Tony’s funeral.

Sometimes he switches on the TV in his room, too. He sees footage of families reuniting and he hears people from all across the world thanking the Avengers for saving them. And he should be happy. They saved the world. They brought millions of people back from the dead. Thanos was defeated. He did his job. But none of that makes up for the constant ache that he feels where his heart should be.

_ What makes you happy? _

Other days he watches reruns of  _ I Love Lucy  _ and he almost always turns to remind Natasha of the time they went hysterical watching Lucy fall off her hammock… before he recalls that she’s gone.

_ She’s gone. _

He doesn’t believe it. He doesn’t want to. When he’s eating breakfast in the living room and he sees Sam cooking eggs for everyone, he can practically hear her humming a tune next to him, just like she did when the three of them were on the run together. When he sees Wanda in  _ her  _ red leather jacket, he hears her teasingly asking for it back. He sees and hears her everywhere. But she’s not there. Not really.

He thinks he’s slowly going out of his mind. Every single night as he lies on his back, he feels the guilt and the hurt seeping into his soul. He feels the emptiness of the bed now that she isn’t here to fill up the space he still quietly makes for her. And he tries to progress everything, tries to progress how in a matter of minutes,  _ a  _ minute, he’d lost his best friend. How he never got to say goodbye to her, how he never got to thank her for all the sacrifices she’s made for him or for all the times she was there to anchor him. How he never got to tell her how much she had meant to him.

Clint told them what had happened on Vormir by the lake- she let go and fell to her death in hopes of saving the world and in hopes of wiping the red off her ledger. Steve was too heartbroken and too defeated to even say anything.

He wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to make the jump to wipe the red off. She had already done that years ago; she did that when she joined S.H.I.E.L.D., aiming to help the world out whenever they needed it. She did that when she promised Fury to mentor him and help him adjust to the big new world. She did that every time she crashed at his apartment and stayed up watching bad Lifetime movies with him, making him feel like maybe he did belong. When she closed the portal at the Battle of New York. When she put her trust in him and helped him take down HYDRA. She did that when she stole Ultron’s dormant android. When she stood at the edge of Sokovia with him, telling him that she didn’t mind dying as long as they had saved all those people. When she flew all the way to London so she could assure him that he wasn’t alone after Peggy had died. She did that when she monitored missions across the universe after the snap, never giving up on finding a way to reverse it. 

She was the most selfless, and even until her last breath all she wanted was to bring her family back and to save the world she cared so much for. 

Any chance of getting peaceful sleep was quickly becoming out of the question. Every time he shuts his eyes, he sees her lifeless body, bent and broken, on Vormir. He never actually saw it for himself, and thank God, because the pictures in his imagination alone send his stomach churning restlessly. And if it’s not her body, it’s her smiling at him, saying “see you in a minute” before leaving him forever.

_ What makes you happy? _

The sky is dark now, and he hears the chatter of his friends in the kitchen preparing for dinner. The gentleman in him thinks he should join them and offer some help, but the waves of grief and loss get the better of him and he stays there on the bed. Before he even knows it, he feels his pillow case wetting and he realises he’s crying. Gradually, tearing up turns into full blown sobs and  _ everything hurts.  _ He’s shaking uncontrollably and his lungs are burning but there’s no one here to-

“Steve?”

It’s Pepper. She knocks a couple of times before calling his name again and he sits up hastily, wiping the back of his hand on his cheeks. 

He opens the door and she gives him a sad little smile. She probably sees the tear stains on his face. 

“Hi, Steve.” She says slowly, almost like she’s walking on eggshells. Which is funny, because he thinks she doesn’t have to. They both lost the love of their lives. Somehow he finds solace in that- finds comfort with Pepper, because he imagines she’s the only one who understands how he feels. 

“Hey, Pepper.”

She reaches out to brush her thumb over his right cheek, presumably to wipe off the fading tear streaks. He sighs. 

“You doing okay?” She asks, and shakes her head sheepishly because she knows the answer is a firm “no”. “Sorry. Stupid question.”

He gives her a bitter chuckle in return. “It’s fine. I think we both get a pass for still feeling like absolute shit.”

“Don’t forget the nightly breakdowns,” she adds, a strained smile on her face. “Can I come in?”

He nods and opens the door wider for her. She doesn’t come right in though- she kneels and picks up a cardboard box behind where she’s standing.

And he just knows. His heart sinks. 

She holds the box to her chest so tightly it almost seems like she doesn’t want to let go, then sits on his unkempt bed with a soft thud. He follows shortly after. 

“I know it hurts. Everything hurts,” Pepper sniffs. “So you might not be ready for this. Or maybe you are. Maybe you’re coping better than I am. But… when my team was trying to scavenge for little scraps of the tower after the battle, they found some of her things. And I thought you’d want them.”

She hands Steve the box and it’s a lot lighter than he expected it to be. He shudders without knowing it and Pepper puts a hand on his arm to give him a squeeze of support. 

“Thank you,” he says gravely. If she hears the faint crack in his voice, she doesn’t give it away. 

“You’re welcome,” Pepper squeezes his arm again for good measure. “If you want, I could leave the room and give you some space with her. I know it can be really hard.”

He considers it for a bit and decides against it. “No, stay. It’s okay. She was your friend, too.”

Pepper flashes him a small, grateful smile, and he notices the tears starting to form at the brim of her swollen eyes. 

Taking a deep breath, he opens the lid of the box. He chokes back a sob when he sees the contents of it- her tattered ballet shoes, scraps of her shirts (his shirts, actually, but she steals them all the time and wears them more than he does), her favourite books burnt and torn, and- this one at the bottom of the box that gets to him the most- a roll of photo booth pictures with the two of them and Sam. 

He tries not to think about it, but it’s inevitable and his thoughts take him back to six years ago at a motel in Indiana. 

_ Sex was a coping mechanism for Steve and Natasha. It had started off as a way for release- two lonely people urging for physical intimacy, losing themselves in pleasure for just a little, while the world around them crashed and burned. Somewhere down that road, amidst all the comforting touches and eager kisses, physical intimacy had blossomed into genuine love and affection, and it wasn’t long before both of them decided to act on the unspoken thing they had for years and confessed their feelings to each other before it was too late.  _

_ It’d been a long day- Steve, Natasha and Sam had barely escaped from Ross’ clutches, and were now hiding from him and his hitmen in a little motel in Indiana, first flight out to Munich the following morning.  _

_ So, while Sam was out gathering supplies undercover, they did what they did best. Release. It was much needed after their near-death experience and sex with one another was just an old feather in the cap at this point.  _

_ She says his name as she trails her index finger up and down his sweaty chest after god knows how many rounds of pure bliss. He presses a kiss to her messy head of platinum hair.  _

_ “Yeah?” He asks, feeling way too comfortable holding her tiny frame against him.  _

_ “We should go to the carnival tonight.” _

_ He laughs softly. “The carnival. Of all places?” _

_ She flips her body over so she can lay her chin on his bare chest and look up at him. “Yeah. It’d be fun. We haven’t been doing anything fun lately.” _

_ He absentmindedly sweeps a strand of hair behind her ear, a goofy smile forming on his face as she glowers at him.  _

_ “I’m serious, Steve.” _

_ “Nat…” he starts, not sure how to respond. “We’re being chased by Ross. Someone who wants us dead. I don’t think going to the carnival to have fun is even in the question for us.”  _

_ “Exactly,” she smirks a little, and all he wants to do is kiss it off her face. “Ross doesn’t think we’re stupid enough to get out and have fun at a carnival after almost getting sniped. Which is why he won’t bother being there.” _

_ Okay, so she has a point. But he still thinks it’s risky.  _

_ “It’s still a big risk. We were ambushed by Ross this morning and we blew our covers. It’s not safe. Your cuts still haven’t healed yet,” he points out, caressing her wounded cheek with his hand.  _

_ “Steve. These cuts are so miniature I can’t even feel a thing. All three of us are highly trained undercover operatives. We have years of experience and the only reason we were discovered this morning was because someone had fed Fury the wrong intel and we went with it when he assigned us with the mission. It was a trap. Going to the carnival?” She raises her eyebrow. “Not so much.”  _

_ He shakes his head, trying to fight off a smile. He never wins with her.  _

_ “What about Sam?” Steve asks as a halfhearted last attempt at arguing with her.  _

_ “What about him?”  _

_ “What if he doesn’t want to go?” _

_ Natasha’s eyes twinkle. “Good food, good music and fun rides? It’s like giving candy to a baby.” _

_ Of course she’s right.  _

_ They go to the carnival at night after they’ve packed everything and made sure that they’ve secured their supplies in a secure location. It took a little more effort to fully convince Steve that it would be worth it, but he admits defeat eventually and lets a hyper Sam and a self assured Natasha pull him out the door.  _

_ Steve’s stubborn. He could’ve stuck with a firm no, but Natasha has that effect on him.  _

_ It’s crowded and the air smells like popcorn and cotton candy. Steve has to blink a couple of times to readjust his eyesight because of just how bright the lights are.  _

_ The night is surprisingly fun (and safe). The three of them came in hoodies and they make sure that there’s no one suspicious lurking around their surroundings. To ease Steve’s anxiety, Natasha brings a gun and Sam’s packed Redwing in the trunk of his rented car. _

_ Steve wins a huge teddy bear for Natasha at ball and bucket toss and she easily wins ginormous plushies for him at every other stall just because she wants to and he lets her. Sam thinks it’s disgusting that they hold hands and share slushies.  _

_ “You might as well make out at the back of the food trucks like a couple of horny teenagers,” Sam narrows his eyes at their interlocked hands as he munches on a cheese hotdog.  _

_ “Giving us ideas, huh?” Steve nudges Natasha’s shoulder and she rolls her eyes at him. “What do you say?” _

_ Nat stands on her tip toes and kisses the corner of Steve’s lips for show. Sam groans and fake gags.  _

_ “Wilson, you better shut up. We opted not to go on the Ferris Wheel just so you wouldn’t feel lonely,  _ and  _ I let you hit more balloons than me at the dart stall on purpose,” Natasha hushes Sam before he can argue with her. “Plus, if Hill was here… you’d be doing the same thing.” She finishes with a knowing smirk.  _

_ Sam splutters and looks to Steve helplessly.  _

_ “Oh, I’m not getting into this,” Steve grins mischievously. “...but if you ask me- would they  _ really _ be doing the same thing? Maria would strangle him if he even tried holding her hand.” _

_ Natasha snorts and Sam punches Steve’s bicep.  _

_ Sure, they might be international fugitives. And one of the most powerful men in the US government may want their heads on sticks. But Steve realises that he’s never felt more light or peaceful since the accords were brought up 2 years ago. He likes this. He likes being with Natasha and Sam (and Wanda, but she’s rarely out with them). Somehow, this little group of wanted superhero criminals have started to become his new, chosen family.  _

_ Because they can’t bring 5 giant soft toys along with them on the run, Natasha decides to give them away to random kids at the carnival. Sam is reluctant at first because he thinks it’s a waste of hard work- which translates to winning carnival games, but Natasha insists on it. (“You’re 30 and an Avenger, Wilson.”) Obviously the parents are freaked out, but the children are more than thrilled and one tiny boy even throws himself at Steve for a hug. Natasha laughs and Sam snaps a shot of a flustered Steve. _

_ They head to the Wipeout ride, but that’s not before Natasha yanks both of them towards the photo booth and forces Steve to pay 4 dollars. They slip past the red curtains and Natasha picks the option for three pictures. _

_ “Nat, this is stupid,” Sam grumbles as the three of them huddle in the tight space, with Natasha in the middle and the two men on each side.  _

_ “I want to remember this night forever,” Natasha replies. The screen in front of them flashes a 3 second countdown. “Best night out with my family,” she adds softly, and Steve can’t help but look at her with pure adoration.  _

_ The camera catches that. Natasha quickly pulls them close for a group hug when the countdown shows up again, and when the number 3 appears for the last time, Steve reaches out for both of them to tickle their waists.  _

_ When they’re done, they step out of the booth in a laughing heap, and Natasha picks up the freshly printed roll of pictures from the slot. She trails her eyesight down them- the first picture shows Steve gazing at the back of Natasha’s head, who has a soft smile on her face. Sam just sits there with his arms crossed, unamused. Natasha has her arms thrown around them for a hug in the second picture. It looks squishy and uncomfortable, but they look happy and content. The last picture is where Steve tickles them and all of them are just laughing.  _

_ It’s nice. Natasha puts it in her jean pocket.  _

They get on a flight to Munich the next morning and they don’t mention this one night of fun again, because almost two weeks later, the world as they know it falls apart completely and half the universe is gone. Sam’s gone, too. 

He knows she kept the picture in her room- he’s seen it all the times they slept together after the snap- but he doesn’t know she’s kept it for this long. To be fair, they decided to separate three years after Thanos had succeeded- she had to lead the remaining Avengers in intergalactic missions, and he’d accepted a leading position at a therapy group in Brooklyn. There was suddenly so much at stake, so much weight on both their shoulders, and the very prospect of a serious relationship working out was slim. She stayed at the tower and he moved out. Sex was still an ongoing thing and the love he had for her never faltered, but it just wasn’t the same anymore. 

But now? Now, he regrets it. He regrets not trying harder to keep their relationship going. He regrets not telling her he loved her every time they spent time together. He regrets not being at the tower more and letting her drown in her sorrows on her own. He regrets being selfish and not being by her side to lead the Avengers. He regrets not going with her to Vormir. He regrets not kissing her breathless before they did the time heist. 

“Whole lotta regrets, huh?” Pepper’s gentle voice snaps him out of his thoughts. He doesn’t know if she can read his mind. Maybe she has the exact same face when she lies in her bed thinking about Tony every night. “Oh, Steve.” 

He’s crying again. He should be embarrassed, but Pepper assures him it’s fine and dabs at his tears with a tissue because he’s too tired and broken to do it himself. 

Steve grips the photo roll so tightly his knuckles start hurting. It’s cliche and dramatic but he can literally feel his heart breaking.  _ He lost her.  _ These little pieces of scraps are all that he has left of her and it’s  _ so fucking unfair  _ because she was everything to him. He was going to settle down with her one day and have a family with her so they could tell their kids about the adventures of Black Widow and Captain America. 

The knock at the door startles both of them. It’s Rhodey asking them to come down for dinner. Pepper turns to Steve and pries the photo away from his fists so she can grab onto them. 

“She loved you. So much.” 

“I know.”

With that, Pepper rubs at her red eyes and stands up. She smooths the creases on her skirt and walks out the door, her posture going from slumping and defeated to confident and strong within a matter of seconds. She’s gone with a supportive smile on her face before Steve even knows it. 

He’s so tired. That’s all he knows anymore. Tired from crying. Tired of the universe taking away the people he loves most again. Tired of missing her. 

He picks up the picture and clutches it to his chest as he lies back onto his bed, his eyes misty and his throat clogged. He doesn’t even realise as he dozes off and falls asleep. 

_ What makes you happy? _

She did. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi everyone ahhh this is the first fic I've ever posted on ao3 because I've always been wayyy too insecure to do it but i genuinely liked this while finishing it summer of last year so I thought why not. i hate the carnival part but whatever. i've written so many stevenat fics since 2017 so i might edit those and post more later. leave a comment or a kudos if you liked this ya girl needs validation :") 
> 
> ig: solsetvr | twitter: stcvenat | tumblr: infinrtywar


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